Power Relations and Children

There is no questions that each family dynamic is different and unique in it's own way. Some families were run where the father had the absolute final say, dictator-like. Some families, the mother may have worn the pants. In some families, the children may rule the household.

In an ideal household, both the father and the mother are equal when it comes to power in the home. I'd just like to note that I am very aware that under certain circumstances, this is not possible. I know many families who are run by a single parent, grandparent, or an unhealthy father-mother relationship. Single parents and grandparents who step in and act as guardians and parent for children have a lot of respect in my eyes and I don't want to disregard them at all. They are doing their best. 

The Lord has said that children have the right to be reared by both a father and a mother who are married. Research has shown that children thrive when they have both parents in the home as opposed to a single parent. Kids with only one parent have been shown to suffer academically, emotionally, socially, and in almost every area of their life. Their odds of becoming delinquent are raised too. 

When parenting, parents should not dictate. They shouldn't be domineering, abusive. Home should be a center of love and understanding, where children feel safe and secure. As parents we have a responsibility to make that for our children. 

Brother Miller gives us four things concerning hierarchy, power and control in families and how to avoid conflicts;

1. Parents are the leaders in the family

2. Parent’s must be united in leadership:

3. The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.

4. The marital relationship should be a partnership.

I believe that as we come to learn about our role in our family, more peace will reside in our home and families can become closer. 

Sexual Fulfillment and Infidelity in Marriage

This week in our class we talked about the importance of complete fidelity in a marriage, and the importance of sexual intimacy. In the talk titled "Fulfilling Sexual Stewardship in Marriage" given by Sean E. Brotherson, he says that

"marriage is the school of love...a committed, caring marriage relationship is the best environment to learn intricacies of sexual expression and intimacy." A

s Latter-Day Saints we are taught our whole life that sex is supposed to be reserved for marriage between husband and wife. In some ways we often have feelings of anxiety before getting married when it comes to the details of sex. Oftentimes after, we are met with feelings of guilt because this is something that we have viewed as "bad" our whole lives. It is hard to suddenly turn that switch on after not being allowed to explore those feelings for so long.

If we have questions about sexual relations in marriage, we should give ourselves permission to seek those answers. I know there are so many LDS books written about this that help ease that anxiety for both the husband and wife. I also think it is important to create an environment in which your spouse feels safe enough to express to you what they want and need, and allow them to express themselves. This will strengthen that relationship between you and your spouse.


When it comes to fidelity, it is just more than physical infidelity. Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact and includes complete trust, commitment and respect between you and your spouse. Our spouse deserves to have all of our love, all of our emotional feelings and all of our devotion. Emotional infidelity happens gradually and it often is seen as innocent friendships or work relationships but quickly becomes something you never meant it to be. Because of this, I would use caution and listen to your spouse if they become uncomfortable or question your relationship with someone. Becoming defensive can be damaging but trying to see things from their point of view and trying to understand how they could be feeling how they do can make all the difference.

Seeking to Understand

When you get married, you and your partner are one. You are essentially taking two separate individuals, two seperate lives, two separate everything and combining them.  We each individually have dreams and goals for our life and marriage that the other person might not be aware of.  As a partnership, we need to acknowledge, recognize and respect these dreams. A gridlock might develop when we were raised in a religious household and our significant other grew up in a non-religious family. How are you going to overcome that difference in your marriage, or when children come into the picture?

In Gottman's book in chapter 11 he talks more about overcoming gridlocks like this in your marriage.  At first, it might be awkward and you and your partner might be wary about how to proceed or approach the problem. He explains that this gets easier over time. You need to learn to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting the other person. At truly happy couple is aware of each others dreams and they want to help them achieve them. I feel like when you truly love someone, you really want to see them succeed and have that happiness that comes with accomplishing their dreams. 

When discussing differences, it may be helpful to express what your dreams symbolize. Is there a deeper meaning behind why you want the family to own a dog? Maybe your partner never had pets and he just doesn't understand. Maybe this desire to have a family dog is rooted in the fact that you grew up in an abusive home and your dog was a sense of comfort and companionship with you. Maybe you want your kids to be able to have that closeness and bond with a pet that you experienced as a child.  Part of overcoming gridlocks is being humble enough to compromise.  If the husband has any overwhelming feelings, this is when you would implement step 2 and soothe/repair any concerns he may have. Once this is done, what could this couple do to compromise? Maybe the husband says that the family can have a dog if it doesn't shed and stays off the furniture. 

Gottman said that you can create deep satisfying unions when couples are DEMANDING of their marriage. I like this because it reminds us that our marriage should be a priority. 

Here are the five steps outlined in the book;

1. Explore the dream (speak and listen) 

2. Soothe (examples may be feelings of stress, flooding, anxiety. Repair anything if needed)

3. Reach a temporary compromise (what are non-negotiable areas and what are flexible?)

4. Say thank you ( be specific about what you are thanking them for) 

Forgiveness and Consesercation in Marriage

This week we discussed conflicts within marriage. In Gottman's book, he talks about relationship gridlocks. A gridlock is when you avoid confronting a perpetual problem because you want to avoid conflict. He reminds us that;

1. Negative emotions are important
2. No one is right
3. Acceptance is crucial
4. Focus on fondness and admiration. 

He offered his five steps on how to solve marital conflicts. They are;

1. Soften the startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process grievances 

The common thing that I see is necessary among utilizing these steps is checking pride at the door. If we have pride in our hearts, there is no room for forgiveness or resolution. In the talk titled “Agency and Anger” by Lynn G. Robbins, he talks about how we are not victims of our emotions. We have control. Satan is targeting families even more now and he wants us to disassociate anger from agency. He wants there to be contention in our homes. 

3 Nephi 11:29 says 

“ For verily, verily i say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” 

The biggest thing we need to remember is that we have our agency and we choose how we react to certain situations. No one has the power to choose how we act in response to something. When we choose to let anger get the best of us, it can often trigger cruel words and emotional abuse. This is the last thing most of us mean to do, especially to the ones we love, be it our spouses, our children, etc. 

PHYSICAL ABUSE IS NEVER JUSTIFIED

This is something I have had to unlearn. Since childhood I was taught that if someone acts physically violent towards you, it’s your fault and you shouldn’t have done whatever triggered their outburst. But this is completely false and something I have to remind myself still in relationships. Being physically abusive with someone, ,even out of anger from something they may have done is never okay. Ever. We don’t have the right to put our hands on another person. 

He finished his talk by referencing Colossians 3: 19, 21 which reads

19- Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 

21- Fathers, provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged

. He then says ‘ may each child's dream of having a family here on earth that is good to them come true.” 

The other talk we studied this week was The Healing Power of Forgiveness by James E. Faust. It's important to keep in mind that forgiveness often isn’t instantaneous. 

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”5 (Links to an external site.)

It is okay to take time to work through any pain or loss that we have experienced, but, if we delay forgiveness for too long we are denying ourselves of any peace that we could have. Sometimes forgiveness needs to simply be rooted in our faith in God and our trust that things will be made right in the next life. This faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.”6 (Links to an external site.) 

We need to remember that God is all knowing. He sees what we don’t see and knows what we don’t know. He can see the big picture. Every trial that we have to endure is necessary for our salvation and prepares us to stand before God again. If we humble ourselves, and get on our knees, forgiveness can be ours. How can we expect to be forgiven if we don’t forgive others? There is truly healing power in forgiveness.

Conflict in Marriage

This week we discussed conflicts within marriage. In Gottman's book, he talks about relationship gridlocks. A gridlock is when you avoid confronting a perpetual problem because you want to avoid conflict. He reminds us that;

1. Negative emotions are important
2. No one is right
3. Acceptance is crucial
4. Focus on fondness and admiration. 

He offered his five steps on how to solve marital conflicts. They are;

1. Soften the startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process grievances 

The common thing that I see is necessary among utilizing these steps is checking pride at the door. If we have pride in our hearts, there is no room for forgiveness or resolution. In the talk titled “Agency and Anger” by Lynn G. Robbins, he talks about how we are not victims of our emotions. We have control. Satan is targeting families even more now and he wants us to disassociate anger from agency. He wants there to be contention in our homes. 

3 Nephi 11:29 says 

“ For verily, verily i say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” 

The biggest thing we need to remember is that we have our agency and we choose how we react to certain situations. No one has the power to choose how we act in response to something. When we choose to let anger get the best of us, it can often trigger cruel words and emotional abuse. This is the last thing most of us mean to do, especially to the ones we love, be it our spouses, our children, etc. 

PHYSICAL ABUSE IS NEVER JUSTIFIED

This is something I have had to unlearn. Since childhood I was taught that if someone acts physically violent towards you, it’s your fault and you shouldn’t have done whatever triggered their outburst. But this is completely false and something I have to remind myself still in relationships. Being physically abusive with someone, ,even out of anger from something they may have done is never okay. Ever. We don’t have the right to put our hands on another person. 

He finished his talk by referencing Colossians 3: 19, 21 which reads

19- Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 

21- Fathers, provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged

. He then says ‘ may each child's dream of having a family here on earth that is good to them come true.” 

The other talk we studied this week was The Healing Power of Forgiveness by James E. Faust. It's important to keep in mind that forgiveness often isn’t instantaneous. 

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”5 (Links to an external site.)

It is okay to take time to work through any pain or loss that we have experienced, but, if we delay forgiveness for too long we are denying ourselves of any peace that we could have. Sometimes forgiveness needs to simply be rooted in our faith in God and our trust that things will be made right in the next life. This faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.”6 (Links to an external site.) 

We need to remember that God is all knowing. He sees what we don’t see and knows what we don’t know. He can see the big picture. Every trial that we have to endure is necessary for our salvation and prepares us to stand before God again. If we humble ourselves, and get on our knees, forgiveness can be ours. How can we expect to be forgiven if we don’t forgive others? There is truly healing power in forgiveness.

Staying Emotionally Connected

Being married is one of the greatest things that we can be a part of on this earth. The bond that a husband and a wife share is something that can't be replicated. Part of marriage is learning how to rely and lean on your spouse. As a husband or a wife. we should be our partners best friend, advocate, comforter, etc. We are their person. When interviewing my cousin about her marriage, she says that one thing her and her husband do to say close is to intentionally tell each other things first. Important things. They go to each other first, and that in turn builds trust in their relationship. They also make it a point to have very open and honest communication with one another. They always want to make sure that the other knows they are safe to come to the other with anything that is on their mind. I really like these two things. 

Some other things that a couple can do to stay connected are doing menial tasks together, such as housework, errands, etc. Even though these things are boring and not special, I think it helps to strengthen that bond. It's important that you can enjoy being with your spouse even if you aren't doing something "fun." 

Keeping Christ at the center of a marriage can make a huge difference. When you remember Christ in all things when it pertains to your spouse I think you will be able to make better decisions, have better feelings towards them, and love them better. Christ is the ultimate example of selfless love. Marriage isn't always easy, in fact, it is something that is always going to be hard in some way! Learning how to communicate, compromise, make decisions, endure trials and much more are all things that come with a marriage. The more we allow the trials of marriage to refine us the better person we are going to become for our spouse. The key is allowing it in. 

Cherishing Your Spouse

In the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman,  he talks about two important principles. They are; 

1. enhancing your love maps

2. nurturing your marriage with fondness and admiration 

What is a love map? Gottman describes a love map as 

" the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partners life...these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each others history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse's world change." 

To me this means that when a couple has a detailed love map, their relationship is totally enmeshed. You are intimately familiar with each other's world. They know everything about their partner and they make an effort to keep learning. They know little details about them. Gottman suggests that without a love map, you can't really know your spouse.

"...if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?"

Having a detailed love map in your marriage better prepares you to cope with stressful events that may happen throughout your marriage such as children, finances, etc. 

The second principle he talked about was the importance of nurturing your fondness and admiration. Making a point to make sure your spouse knows you appreciate them and see their efforts they are making could be the difference between saving your marriage or losing your marriage. "If a couple still have a functioning fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable. Make a point to let your spouse know you cherish, honor and respect them.

President Spencer W. Kimball said 

"Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become.

“ ‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.

I believe that  your spouse should be your safe place. We are already hard enough on ourselves without the person that who is supposed to love you and build you up picking you apart. Choose someone who makes an effort to know you are so cared for a special, and that to them you are enough. The world is such a harsh place and your spouse needs to be your safe haven. 

Elder Bednar talked about how our greatest joy comes when we put others above ourselves and our greatest sorrows come from selfish. A marriage should be our greatest joy. Making an effort to put your spouse before yourself will strengthen your marriage. Actively pray for your spouse. Pray for yourself as well to be able to love them how they need and to see the good they do.