Seeking to Understand

When you get married, you and your partner are one. You are essentially taking two separate individuals, two seperate lives, two separate everything and combining them.  We each individually have dreams and goals for our life and marriage that the other person might not be aware of.  As a partnership, we need to acknowledge, recognize and respect these dreams. A gridlock might develop when we were raised in a religious household and our significant other grew up in a non-religious family. How are you going to overcome that difference in your marriage, or when children come into the picture?

In Gottman's book in chapter 11 he talks more about overcoming gridlocks like this in your marriage.  At first, it might be awkward and you and your partner might be wary about how to proceed or approach the problem. He explains that this gets easier over time. You need to learn to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting the other person. At truly happy couple is aware of each others dreams and they want to help them achieve them. I feel like when you truly love someone, you really want to see them succeed and have that happiness that comes with accomplishing their dreams. 

When discussing differences, it may be helpful to express what your dreams symbolize. Is there a deeper meaning behind why you want the family to own a dog? Maybe your partner never had pets and he just doesn't understand. Maybe this desire to have a family dog is rooted in the fact that you grew up in an abusive home and your dog was a sense of comfort and companionship with you. Maybe you want your kids to be able to have that closeness and bond with a pet that you experienced as a child.  Part of overcoming gridlocks is being humble enough to compromise.  If the husband has any overwhelming feelings, this is when you would implement step 2 and soothe/repair any concerns he may have. Once this is done, what could this couple do to compromise? Maybe the husband says that the family can have a dog if it doesn't shed and stays off the furniture. 

Gottman said that you can create deep satisfying unions when couples are DEMANDING of their marriage. I like this because it reminds us that our marriage should be a priority. 

Here are the five steps outlined in the book;

1. Explore the dream (speak and listen) 

2. Soothe (examples may be feelings of stress, flooding, anxiety. Repair anything if needed)

3. Reach a temporary compromise (what are non-negotiable areas and what are flexible?)

4. Say thank you ( be specific about what you are thanking them for)