Conflict in Marriage

This week we discussed conflicts within marriage. In Gottman's book, he talks about relationship gridlocks. A gridlock is when you avoid confronting a perpetual problem because you want to avoid conflict. He reminds us that;

1. Negative emotions are important
2. No one is right
3. Acceptance is crucial
4. Focus on fondness and admiration. 

He offered his five steps on how to solve marital conflicts. They are;

1. Soften the startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process grievances 

The common thing that I see is necessary among utilizing these steps is checking pride at the door. If we have pride in our hearts, there is no room for forgiveness or resolution. In the talk titled “Agency and Anger” by Lynn G. Robbins, he talks about how we are not victims of our emotions. We have control. Satan is targeting families even more now and he wants us to disassociate anger from agency. He wants there to be contention in our homes. 

3 Nephi 11:29 says 

“ For verily, verily i say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” 

The biggest thing we need to remember is that we have our agency and we choose how we react to certain situations. No one has the power to choose how we act in response to something. When we choose to let anger get the best of us, it can often trigger cruel words and emotional abuse. This is the last thing most of us mean to do, especially to the ones we love, be it our spouses, our children, etc. 

PHYSICAL ABUSE IS NEVER JUSTIFIED

This is something I have had to unlearn. Since childhood I was taught that if someone acts physically violent towards you, it’s your fault and you shouldn’t have done whatever triggered their outburst. But this is completely false and something I have to remind myself still in relationships. Being physically abusive with someone, ,even out of anger from something they may have done is never okay. Ever. We don’t have the right to put our hands on another person. 

He finished his talk by referencing Colossians 3: 19, 21 which reads

19- Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 

21- Fathers, provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged

. He then says ‘ may each child's dream of having a family here on earth that is good to them come true.” 

The other talk we studied this week was The Healing Power of Forgiveness by James E. Faust. It's important to keep in mind that forgiveness often isn’t instantaneous. 

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”5 (Links to an external site.)

It is okay to take time to work through any pain or loss that we have experienced, but, if we delay forgiveness for too long we are denying ourselves of any peace that we could have. Sometimes forgiveness needs to simply be rooted in our faith in God and our trust that things will be made right in the next life. This faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.”6 (Links to an external site.) 

We need to remember that God is all knowing. He sees what we don’t see and knows what we don’t know. He can see the big picture. Every trial that we have to endure is necessary for our salvation and prepares us to stand before God again. If we humble ourselves, and get on our knees, forgiveness can be ours. How can we expect to be forgiven if we don’t forgive others? There is truly healing power in forgiveness.

Staying Emotionally Connected

Being married is one of the greatest things that we can be a part of on this earth. The bond that a husband and a wife share is something that can't be replicated. Part of marriage is learning how to rely and lean on your spouse. As a husband or a wife. we should be our partners best friend, advocate, comforter, etc. We are their person. When interviewing my cousin about her marriage, she says that one thing her and her husband do to say close is to intentionally tell each other things first. Important things. They go to each other first, and that in turn builds trust in their relationship. They also make it a point to have very open and honest communication with one another. They always want to make sure that the other knows they are safe to come to the other with anything that is on their mind. I really like these two things. 

Some other things that a couple can do to stay connected are doing menial tasks together, such as housework, errands, etc. Even though these things are boring and not special, I think it helps to strengthen that bond. It's important that you can enjoy being with your spouse even if you aren't doing something "fun." 

Keeping Christ at the center of a marriage can make a huge difference. When you remember Christ in all things when it pertains to your spouse I think you will be able to make better decisions, have better feelings towards them, and love them better. Christ is the ultimate example of selfless love. Marriage isn't always easy, in fact, it is something that is always going to be hard in some way! Learning how to communicate, compromise, make decisions, endure trials and much more are all things that come with a marriage. The more we allow the trials of marriage to refine us the better person we are going to become for our spouse. The key is allowing it in. 

Cherishing Your Spouse

In the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John M. Gottman,  he talks about two important principles. They are; 

1. enhancing your love maps

2. nurturing your marriage with fondness and admiration 

What is a love map? Gottman describes a love map as 

" the part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partners life...these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each others history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse's world change." 

To me this means that when a couple has a detailed love map, their relationship is totally enmeshed. You are intimately familiar with each other's world. They know everything about their partner and they make an effort to keep learning. They know little details about them. Gottman suggests that without a love map, you can't really know your spouse.

"...if you don't really know someone, how can you truly love them?"

Having a detailed love map in your marriage better prepares you to cope with stressful events that may happen throughout your marriage such as children, finances, etc. 

The second principle he talked about was the importance of nurturing your fondness and admiration. Making a point to make sure your spouse knows you appreciate them and see their efforts they are making could be the difference between saving your marriage or losing your marriage. "If a couple still have a functioning fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable. Make a point to let your spouse know you cherish, honor and respect them.

President Spencer W. Kimball said 

"Avoid ‘ceaseless pinpricking.’ Don’t be too critical of each other’s faults. Recognize that none of us is perfect. We all have a long way to go to become as Christlike as our leaders have urged us to become.

“ ‘Ceaseless pinpricking,’ as President Spencer W. Kimball called it, can deflate almost any marriage. … Generally each of us is painfully aware of our weaknesses, and we don’t need frequent reminders. Few people have ever changed for the better as a result of constant criticism or nagging. If we are not careful, some of what we offer as constructive criticism is actually destructive.

I believe that  your spouse should be your safe place. We are already hard enough on ourselves without the person that who is supposed to love you and build you up picking you apart. Choose someone who makes an effort to know you are so cared for a special, and that to them you are enough. The world is such a harsh place and your spouse needs to be your safe haven. 

Elder Bednar talked about how our greatest joy comes when we put others above ourselves and our greatest sorrows come from selfish. A marriage should be our greatest joy. Making an effort to put your spouse before yourself will strengthen your marriage. Actively pray for your spouse. Pray for yourself as well to be able to love them how they need and to see the good they do. 

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

This week we discussed some behaviors that can be damaging to marriages. I think everyone, whether married or not knows that marriage is hard! It takes a lot of work, and you have to be willing to put in the effort. As we learned last week, marriage is not 50/50. Each partner should be giving 100% to the other. Overcoming the natural man is a lifelong challenge. Learning to overcome that, especially is a married relationship can be difficult. This is when we have to rely on the Lord.

We watched clips from the movie FireProof which is about this couple who is having marriage problems. The main point of the clips that I got was that you have to be willing to be humble. You can’t hold grudges and you need to be willing to work. Being able to put your pride to the side and make efforts. In the beginning they were making passive aggressive comments, not communicating whatsoever, and going to others for advice on their marriage. By the end, they realized that they needed to put sincere and honest effort. They got married for a reason and i really felt that a main point of this movie was for them to truly fall back in love again.

I really like what Gottman’s research that shows being in a friendship with your significant other is so important. I have always heard that you not only need to be physically attracted to your spouse but they need to be your best friend! Someone you don’t want to be apart from, who you want to help, lift, serve and love. When you have that foundation I think it makes you want to try harder when those difficult times do come, because they will.

I’m not married but right now I can take from this week the importance of being friends with a potential spouse. That way you are more likely to have a successful happy marriage. What do you married people suggest for when seeking out a spouse? What are your experience when hard times come in your marriage?

Threats to Marriage

This week we studied topics relative to the doctrine of eternal marriage. 

I am currently a single student at BYU-Idaho. Although I am not married, I have been able to see and observe friends and roommates get married. Some marriages good, others not as good. Being able to observe has given me the opportunity to get an idea of what I want and don't want in a companion, and in a spouse. Elder Bednar said that no organization can replace the home or it's essential functions. In my opinion, building a home where the spirit resides, the family feels safe, and there is love is truly essential. The home is where the foundation for children is built. This is where they are taught the fundamental principles of the gospel.Elder Benson says that one of the most important things we can teach our children is about the temple, and how it's is a sacred place where we can take place in priesthood ordinances.  We should encourage our children to make the temple a goal. Our children should want to have an eternal marriage, just because they see us an example of a good temple marriage. I like that Elder Benson gives the promise that as we attend the temple, we will love our family more deeply. 

He asks us to consider how we are preparing to be better spouses, or if not married, how are we preparing to be a good husband or wife? Joseph Fielding Smith said that once he was sealed in the temple, he experienced a different kind of love. He described it as "loving with the spirit." It was a deeper love because it was an eternal love. One that doesn't end. I love how he put that. That is something that I look forward to. 

God created males and females for a reason. They are divinely different but each compliments the other in a way that same sex relationships can't. Children are entitled to grow up with a father and a mother in the home. In today's world, with infidelity and divorce so common, young adults, like myself, fear marriage than they have before.  Marriage is hard. Covenant couples should work through their problems rather than give up. (excluding cases of abuse, infidelity or other serious things.) A good marriage should not be 50-50. Each should be giving 100% to the other spouse. We should be actively serving our spouse without thinking about what we may get in return.