Forgiveness and Consesercation in Marriage

This week we discussed conflicts within marriage. In Gottman's book, he talks about relationship gridlocks. A gridlock is when you avoid confronting a perpetual problem because you want to avoid conflict. He reminds us that;

1. Negative emotions are important
2. No one is right
3. Acceptance is crucial
4. Focus on fondness and admiration. 

He offered his five steps on how to solve marital conflicts. They are;

1. Soften the startup
2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. 
3. Soothe yourself and each other
4. Compromise
5. Process grievances 

The common thing that I see is necessary among utilizing these steps is checking pride at the door. If we have pride in our hearts, there is no room for forgiveness or resolution. In the talk titled “Agency and Anger” by Lynn G. Robbins, he talks about how we are not victims of our emotions. We have control. Satan is targeting families even more now and he wants us to disassociate anger from agency. He wants there to be contention in our homes. 

3 Nephi 11:29 says 

“ For verily, verily i say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” 

The biggest thing we need to remember is that we have our agency and we choose how we react to certain situations. No one has the power to choose how we act in response to something. When we choose to let anger get the best of us, it can often trigger cruel words and emotional abuse. This is the last thing most of us mean to do, especially to the ones we love, be it our spouses, our children, etc. 

PHYSICAL ABUSE IS NEVER JUSTIFIED

This is something I have had to unlearn. Since childhood I was taught that if someone acts physically violent towards you, it’s your fault and you shouldn’t have done whatever triggered their outburst. But this is completely false and something I have to remind myself still in relationships. Being physically abusive with someone, ,even out of anger from something they may have done is never okay. Ever. We don’t have the right to put our hands on another person. 

He finished his talk by referencing Colossians 3: 19, 21 which reads

19- Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 

21- Fathers, provoke not your children to anger lest they be discouraged

. He then says ‘ may each child's dream of having a family here on earth that is good to them come true.” 

The other talk we studied this week was The Healing Power of Forgiveness by James E. Faust. It's important to keep in mind that forgiveness often isn’t instantaneous. 

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”5 (Links to an external site.)

It is okay to take time to work through any pain or loss that we have experienced, but, if we delay forgiveness for too long we are denying ourselves of any peace that we could have. Sometimes forgiveness needs to simply be rooted in our faith in God and our trust that things will be made right in the next life. This faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.”6 (Links to an external site.) 

We need to remember that God is all knowing. He sees what we don’t see and knows what we don’t know. He can see the big picture. Every trial that we have to endure is necessary for our salvation and prepares us to stand before God again. If we humble ourselves, and get on our knees, forgiveness can be ours. How can we expect to be forgiven if we don’t forgive others? There is truly healing power in forgiveness.